Many know that this past year was an incredibly painful one for me... as I watched good things, things I had prayed for- or unexpected goods that seemed given by God, shatter like crystal palaces into thousand of pieces- impossible to regather...
... laughter into mourning... laughter into mourning...
How can such good things result in such pain, such regret?
...walking in ruins...
And just when I think it's over... it starts again... like splinters of glass one's feet finds in the floor cracks long after the glass was shattered...
And so I've felt that somehow - in some way - God was punishing me... for something. Who knows what. And whatever it was- I must be still doing it, cause the pain goes on.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop... the next beautiful thing to fall to pieces...
I've been living as if God were angry with me. I've been afraid to invest- afraid to love.
How can one build castles while waiting for bombs?
I've been living as if God were my judge (instead of my father), someone indifferent to my pain (instead of infinitely invested in my well-being), as though He were standing over me- disapproving, (instead of weeping over me).
The greatest sorrow and burden you can lay on the Father, the greatest unkindness you can do to him is not to believe that he loves you. -John Owen
I was reading a blog-post when I came across that quote and fell to thinking on it... to remembering the love of God... to remembering what lengths He went to to get me. ... that Jesus spared no cost to make me His... that He endured silence- separation- the broken relationship with His Father- so that our relationship might be whole... that He knows and He cares more deeply and infinitely and truly than I can conceive... that He sees me through Christ, I am clothed in crystal-white righteousness... that what pain He brings my way He sends to bring me to closer to Himself... that He, more than anyone, is for me. (Of whom shall I be afraid?)
He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
So. I've been learning, yet again, to remember. To remember who I am as a child of God...
... cast all your cares upon him... because He cares for you... (1 Peter 5:7)
I'm particularly fond of Psalm 131.
O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the LORD
From this time forth and forever.
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the LORD
From this time forth and forever.
I am running with my cares into the arms of God... and in their love finding rest.
So friends- brothers, sisters- please, whenever you can, remind me of God's love.
Because I forget.
Because He remembers. :)
ReplyDelete:smiles: I "like" that. :-)
DeleteOh! I will be praying for you, Linda! I've been thinking lately (feeling despondent) . . . how wonderful it is that the truth of God does not depend on me, and that I can hold on to him (My rock) when I don't know how to feel or think. That he loves me, and cleanses me. Desires my good.
ReplyDeleteI read this the other day in "Prayers of Kierkegaard."
"To Thee, O God, we turn for peace . . . but grant us too the blessed assurance that nothing shall deprive us of that peace, neither ourselves, nor our foolish, earthly desires, nor my wild longings, nor the anxious cravings of my heart."
Mmm, thank you, Michael- 'appreciate it. Ah, when we "don't know how to feel or think." That's me all the time...
DeleteAnd that's an absolutely fantastic quote... I'm gonna keep it near. :-) Thanks.
Nothing can separate us from the love of God ... absolutely nothing.
ReplyDeleteRomans 8:39
Love that verse... :-)
DeleteI like this, Linda. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I understand.
He loves you. Don't forget it.
<3
Liz
Thanks, Liz!
DeleteThanks for understanding, too... I know we've talked about this very thing before.
:remembering: :-)
I understood this more than you think! I felt like you had written what's been on my heart for months now. So glad that quote got you thinking as well. It's become a favorite of mine over the past couple of weeks, and even now just reading this has reminded me again of the love of our Father. It's not been an easy to run back to Him, because I too have felt like I've been living under God's punishment which makes it hard to be pursued by His love... or to even really desire it right now. But I'm ever so slowly working my way back to Him, and will be praying that you do as well! =)
ReplyDeleteMmm. That's how I felt when I read your post! I was thinking about it- writing- crying... We are mutually reminding each other. :-) (Such is the family of God. :-)) Yes, yes.... to pursue (and even desire) His love... by His grace... I'll be praying for you too, Natalie. :)
DeleteOh, Linda,
ReplyDeleteI understand some of how you feel!
I will be praying for you, girl :-)
For His love is everlasting, even in punishment and pain.
Thanks, girl. Yes, even His discipline is love. I am so thankful He is not content to leave us as we are! :-)
Delete[Waiting for the other shoe to drop... the next beautiful thing to fall to pieces...
ReplyDeleteI've been living as if God were angry with me. I've been afraid to invest- afraid to love.
How can one build castles while waiting for bombs?
I've been living as if God were my judge (instead of my father), someone indifferent to my pain (instead of infinitely invested in my well-being), as though He were standing over me- disapproving, (instead of weeping over me).]
ahh, linda! thank you for writing with your heart: it's honestly beautiful. <3
:-) :-) You were the one who prompted me to write and share. :-) Thank you, Lilly. :-)
DeleteHow great the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure!
ReplyDeleteRemembering, always the battle. And the blessing of His people, who soldier together in memory! Through the pain that refines, the dawn is coming.
I love you, Linda.
:smiles: "who soldier together in memory" :-) ... I love you too, Hayley! Thanks for writing. :-)
DeleteDear Linda,
ReplyDeleteIt delights my heart to see how you're growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ!
This was a very apt word. May the Lord continue to bless you as you seek Him in all you do.