Gogyohka-Thursday [79]

We war, my food and I.

It stares me down-

I push it around-

I skewer it through-

and then, I EAT IT!

Waiting for Pain

I realized the other day that I've been living life as if waiting for pain.

Many know that this past year was an incredibly painful one for me... as I watched good things, things I had prayed for- or unexpected goods that seemed given by God, shatter like crystal palaces into thousand of pieces- impossible to regather...

... laughter into mourning... laughter into mourning...

How can such good things result in such pain, such regret?

...walking in ruins...

And just when I think it's over... it starts again... like splinters of glass one's feet finds in the floor cracks long after the glass was shattered...

And so I've felt that somehow - in some way - God was punishing me... for something. Who knows what. And whatever it was- I must be still doing it, cause the pain goes on.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop... the next beautiful thing to fall to pieces...
 

I've been living as if God were angry with me. I've been afraid to invest- afraid to love. 

How can one build castles while waiting for bombs?

I've been living as if God were my judge (instead of my father), someone indifferent to my pain (instead of infinitely invested in my well-being), as though He were standing over me- disapproving, (instead of weeping over me).

The greatest sorrow and burden you can lay on the Father, the greatest unkindness you can do to him is not to believe that he loves you. -John Owen

I was reading a blog-post when I came across that quote and fell to thinking on it... to remembering the love of God... to remembering what lengths He went to to get me. ... that Jesus spared no cost to make me His...  that He endured silence- separation- the broken relationship with His Father- so that our  relationship might be whole... that He knows and He cares more deeply and infinitely and truly than I can conceive... that He sees me through Christ, I am clothed in crystal-white righteousness... that what pain He brings my way He sends to bring me to closer to Himself... that He, more than anyone, is for me. (Of whom shall I be afraid?) 

He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

So. I've been learning, yet again, to remember. To remember who I am as a child of God...

... cast all your cares upon him... because He cares for you... (1 Peter 5:7)

I'm particularly fond of Psalm 131.

O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
 Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
 O Israel, hope in the LORD
From this time forth and forever.

I am running with my cares into the arms of God... and in their love finding rest.

So friends- brothers, sisters- please, whenever you can, remind me of God's love.

Because I forget.

Gogyohka-Thursday [78]

singing with my sister

swinging our joined hands

under the summer sky

motorcyclists smile

and doff their invisible hats

Gogyohka-Thursday [77]

through library windows

I watch as a couple

skips arm-in arm downhill

lightning flickering over

their oblivious heads

Gogyohka-Thursday [76]

Waiting, outside the door,

afraid to knock.

Afraid he'll tell me, "Go away!"

Afraid she doesn't have time to play.

Afraid no one's waiting, anyway.


 

Gogyohka-Thursday [75]

 Yeah, I had fun with this one... For all those who have ever wished their size commanded a little more... respect.

You'd pat my head, would you?

...like patting pride...

The cat recoils, crouches-

and like a tiger 

POUNCES!